America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name