
This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?
I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!
For failed past relationships press 1
For why your dad left press 2
For why you’re failing as a parent press 3
For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
9 out of 10 people agree that it’s weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.