America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You Might Also Like
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
not for long
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting