America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

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[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”


My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.


9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi


If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?


I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks


me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D


You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.