[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.
Oh shit I thought the sliding glass door was closed! Help help!!