@Laser_Cat

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

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@onion_an

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@JocMaxedOut

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

@dreadnaught69

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

@decentbirthday

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

@HeyZeus666

You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.