America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
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Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.