America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?