America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Here’s a meme
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this