america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches