@geekysteven

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

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@TheRolo

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

@jon_snow_420

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

@SondraDeeMe

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”

@thestlouisan

[Health fair]

“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?

@WarrenHolstein

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.