You Might Also Like
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[First day as hitman]
ME: Don’t worry boss, I’ll deal with him accordionly.
BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly?
ME: *hides accordion* yes.
[role playing in bed as pirates]
Me: Arggh, I want that booty.
Her: *giggling* Mmmk
Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs