AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine

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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.


There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.


[First day as hitman]
ME: Don’t worry boss, I’ll deal with him accordionly.

BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly?

ME: *hides accordion* yes.


[role playing in bed as pirates]

Me: Arggh, I want that booty.

Her: *giggling* Mmmk

Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…


You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”


Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”


GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?


True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.


Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs