*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”
“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”
Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.