AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
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Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]