America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I like long walks away from everyone
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!