America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.