At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
This is me
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.