America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Tony Hawk, age 6
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Xylophonist Shredding It
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.