AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels