American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
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When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
The news
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed