@GrantTanaka

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

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@junejuly12

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

@hpb777

Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.

@BoogTweets

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

@SufficientCharm

What do you mean you’re not going to spank me?

I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?

@TheKegKiller

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

@thatUPSdude

[first date]

Me: You into role playing?

Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?

Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.

@sergebomba

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

@hazelmotes1

Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.