Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
What do you mean you’re not going to spank me?
I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: You into role playing?
Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?
Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.