[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Found the job I’m suited for
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella