[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.