[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
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5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.