American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Good morning!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter