@Reverend_Scott

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

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@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@GrantTanaka

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

@SatansTongue

*Meninist meeting*
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.

@capnwatsisname

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

@BoomBoomBetty

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

@someonelikesmeg

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

@donni

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.