American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Bobby pin
Ghost costume 😂
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs