The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.
American Horror Story:
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes