@davidkenny100

American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant

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@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

@abbygov

“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

@DurtMcHurtt

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

@pixelatedboat

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

@BuckyIsotope

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

@BromanConsul

cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now