interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?
me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group
American: I was just at a shotgun wedding
Me: How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant
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Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap