@davidkenny100

American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant

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@jaelteon

interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?

me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group

@

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

@Wine_Honey1

I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.

@tastefactory

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

@dafloydsta

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

@chuuew

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap