My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes