me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series
You Might Also Like
[Walking around the office]
Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.
Calm down, psychopaths.
Nobody seizes a Tuesday.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.
Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.