@pattymo

AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series

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@crocodilethumbs

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

@TheRolo

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

@Social_Mime

Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.

@BrainFumbles

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”

@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@Nahdude83

I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.