AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series

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me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR



coworker: did you just ask me that to-



[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”


Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.


“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”


Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.


I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?


One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.