[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.