@TheAndrewNadeau

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

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@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

@ArfMeasures

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

@ScubavelliDeux

*whispers seductively in your ear*

“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”

@usermcuserface

(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Stabs it)
(Drops)
Damn it

– me trying to eat with chopsticks.

@CroweJam

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

@OnceUponALiz

If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I’ll never been seen alive again.

@iQuoteComedy

Final Destination 5″ …well someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “Final.”

@NoFucksWereGave

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.