Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
The happy life.. 😊
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her