Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.