5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway