Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
LMAO.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.