Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
This raises questions
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.