Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
You Might Also Like
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.