Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.


*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?


My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.


Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*


My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time


mugger: [points gun] gimme ur cash

me: what are u 70 years old lol

mugger: wait-

me: let me reach into my trousers and grab my “paper money” lmao

mugger: [tearing up] please stop


i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time


Some people will believe anything if you start with ‘This is just between you and me’.


My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.


I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*