Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You Might Also Like
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
scares
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
6: are snakes just neck?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*