Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
9: “Mom, that’s a pretty necklace. Can I have it?”
Me: “No, I got it as a gift.”
9: “Well, can I have it when you die, then?”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’m currently in a meeting of 40 people to tell us we can’t have a meeting of more than 20 people.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”