@junejuly12

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

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@Skoog

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

@ch000ch

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

@ashmensch

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

@Erma_H_Gersh

9: “Mom, that’s a pretty necklace. Can I have it?”
Me: “No, I got it as a gift.”
9: “Well, can I have it when you die, then?”

@Dustinkcouch

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

@UncleDuke1969

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

@MommaUnfiltered

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

@dangerouslyjoe9

I’m currently in a meeting of 40 people to tell us we can’t have a meeting of more than 20 people.

@DanAaronKing

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.