Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Gemma Correll
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.