3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*
Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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A dating app that matches up the only-eats-the-icing people with the only-eats-the-cake people
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-
*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.