@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

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@generaldietz

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

@HatfieldAnne

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

@LizHackett

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

@KeetPotato

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

@Rollinintheseat

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

@anylaurie16

jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.

@CantWaitToNap

My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.