Mike Tyson’s apartment building
America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
“absolutely no reason at all”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.
Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.