America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.


Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.


My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.


[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal


I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.


jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.


My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.