@Brampersandon_

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

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@JPLFR80

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

@_steamy_mac

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@wchoughton

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.

@Dawn_M_

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

@PaperWash

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@Contwixt

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

@NewDadNotes

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

@murrman5

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”