[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
never deleting this app.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.