America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
This trial is so absurd 😭
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called