AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
drew a comic about my origin story
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on