No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.