My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Wife: I’ll just have a salad.
Waiter: and for you, sir?
Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.