Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*