@donni

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

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@mom_ontherocks

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

@mrbuster60

“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician

@alexlumaga

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

@TrueTorontoGirl

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

@Puncroaker

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

@AmandaEeeek

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

@jonnysun

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”