My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”