@donni

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

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@KentWGraham

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@RealMMyers78

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: I’ll just have a salad.

Waiter: and for you, sir?

Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.

@KielyHealey

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

@BraandoCommando

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

@bazecraze

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.