Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Amoeba: dad, how was I made?
Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
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ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.