Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much

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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?


When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.


If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.


Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.


Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.


To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.



[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND


Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.