@Barknado69

Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much

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@iliezabeth

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

@TheTweetOfGod

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@johnbiehl

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

@UncleDuke1969

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

@joejwest

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

@Megatronic13

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.