[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
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Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.