@humanaaron

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

- @humanaaron

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@TigNotaro

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

@qwertying

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.

*wife phones*

Wife: What you doing?

Husband: Missing you.

@envydatropic

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

@TheAlexP

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

@Proxic0n

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

@Playing_Dad

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

@SuperTeeWhy

[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]

“Damn”

@EJGomez

[slams on the brakes]
WHAT DO YOU MEAN LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYED BOTH TWINS IN THE PARENT TRAP

@Reverend_Scott

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM