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@humanaaron: [amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
@ArfMeasures: Terminator: I'LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I'll see you...termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won't be back
@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
@Just_Lee_: I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.
@1_swarthy_dude: [1st date]
Me: "So, what do you do?"
Her: "I'm a Herpetologist."
Me: "Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?"
@NicestHippo: Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren't out yet