Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.