An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.