@Bob_Janke

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

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@AntozWolf

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

@MensHumor

“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” -Losers

@IamEnidColeslaw

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

@nsterdan

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

@Nahdude83

Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

@_NewLifeNow_

Lady walking her 2 dogs down the street.
Both her dogs poop in my yard.
I asked was she gonna pick it up.
She just looked at me and kept walking.

My question is this…

Was it wrong of me to pick it up myself?

Then throw it at her?

@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@Playing_Dad

Me: (sliding a $50 bill in my palm over) What do you say we call it 175 and move on?
Nurse: Sir, just please step on the scale.

@Travon

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

@jazz_inmypants

PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: yeah

CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad