The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
You Might Also Like
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.