An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
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7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
😂😂😂
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.