@dragonsorbet

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

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@RodneyH42

A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam

The other 40% of us would rock that shit

@bourgeoisalien

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@KeetPotato

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

@MunkMania

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

@T_Bonezzz_

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

@Jason_maybe

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

@ValeeGrrl

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

@bornmiserable

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

@hexprax

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

@BBQJones28

I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.