An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
You Might Also Like
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
giddy up Office Depot
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?