An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

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A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam

The other 40% of us would rock that shit


serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over


You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.



[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!


Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.


If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.


“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.


Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow


I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.