An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…