@RandomRamblr

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

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@sameralkhoury

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

@LostFelicia

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

@PaulFrei

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

@Be___Dope

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

@MarfSalvador

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

@peeznuts

*pretending to talk on my phone so I don’t look like a loser standing by myself*

-Haha yea dude last night was craz-
*phone starts ringing*

@MrDaveGibson

In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer.
Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp

@PeterClayton6

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

@earthfalcon33

PRANK: ask someone what’s on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm

@BuckyIsotope

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.