An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
You Might Also Like
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome