A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
You Might Also Like
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
That de-escalated quickly
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching