boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes