An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”