Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*